Tag Archives: pour your heart out

mommy stuff

back…. again.

December 14, 2011 – 6:00 am

When I started up this blog again earlier this year in July, I had promised myself that I would keep it going.  But what happened?  I found out in September my sister’s breast cancer had spread to several major organs.  To say the least, I was everything you can imagine: devastated, sad, in disbelief, numb.  I was frozen for awhile there and I couldn’t do anything productive because all I could think of was my sister, her husband, and her two young boys, 5 and 2. Writing this blog just seemed so frivilous in the big scheme of things. I didn’t know what to write and didn’t think anything I wrote would be appropriate to what I was feeling.

What I was able to do was photography because some shoots were booked ahead of time. Even then, I wanted to just finish them so I can get back to caring for my sister. Is this a new job or role I had to help my sister? Or am I attending to her to avoid what I should be doing? As hard as it is, I realized that I must live my life and keep moving forward because no one will do that for me but me. My family is still priority and my life is even more important.

As a stay-at-home mom, life has been getting easier because my youngest is now over one year old (already) and my oldest is 2.5 years. They are actually playing together at times and I can do some chores without much worrying. My youngest also started walking just before she turned one so she’s been walking for a few months now. Without these two little people, I don’t know how I would still have reason to smile.

I had wrote “where’s me in all of this” back in September and today I can say I have myself back and this is because I am fully ready to take on the reigns of my life. I’m responsible for everything that happens in my life, and instead of complaining like I did in that blog entry, I’m going to do something about it and take my life back. I can have it all: be the best mother, be the best wife, be the best business woman, be the best person and still be there for my sister – I just need to move forward.

I AM EXCITED!

Skye Diaz
 
PS – My sister is still fighting on strong and I know she will get through this. I know she will be healthy and healed real soon because I pray for her everyday and see her in my mind as strong and living her life like never before. If you would pray with me, I would so appreciate it. Thank you.
 

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mommy stuff

dreams: shattered by motherhood?

September 14, 2011 – 7:08 am

I never dreamed about being a mother when I was younger. I didn’t even get the baby bug until my early thirties as I noted in my previous post. Before then, I had dreams about being financially successful, a business owner, a traveler, and a photographer, just to name a few. I was definitely on the road to these dreams before I became a mom but now motherhood has taken these dreams to the back burner.

You see, by the time I finally dreamed about being a mother, it pretty much consumed me.  It was all I could think and read about. You know how it is when you start trying to have a baby, you go crazy tracking your ovulation days or when to have sex, etc. Reading up on birth stories (and what can go wrong!), getting information on how to “do it” to ensure a certain baby gender, and all the baby/parenting books you can get your hands on. This dream came true for me pretty quickly despite the miscarriages I went through.

So what about my other dreams?

I’m in so thick in motherhood right now I don’t see how I can fit my other dreams in. I’ve always wanted to have my own business whether it be related to my passion for photography or some other venture like owning a baby store of some sort. When will be the right time for this? How would I be able to juggle the demands of motherhood without losing my own dreams? I have all these questions about the things I want to do but not sure where to look for the answers.

However, I know that every day is getting easier for me to do the things I want to do. For example, it speaks volumes that I’m able to blog! As well, it’s not as if we’ve stopped traveling since having our babies (need to do it before they turn 2 to save loads of money!). I still take TONS of photographs of our girls so I’m still practicing. As for being a business owner, it may be on the horizon.

I think my dreams aren’t completely shattered yet, but maybe just altered or delayed. As long as I keep dreaming and keep them alive inside me, they will come true in due time.

Always dream big!

 

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Skye Diaz

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mommy stuff

motherhood: where’s “me” in all of this?

September 7, 2011 – 7:25 am
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Motherhood has certainly become one of my greatest achievements so far yet it has been one of the biggest challenges. Being a mother is rewarding in so many ways but I must say there are days when I question if I’m the right person for the job.  You know how some women always wanted to be a mother and always knew they wanted children? Well, I’m not one of those women and being a mom has definitely not come easy for me.

I got the “I want a baby” bug when I hit my early 30′s and it was weird how badly I wanted one! When we finally started trying, we went through some speed bumps which you can read about here and here. My miscarriages were trying times but we got through them and got pregnant when I was 36. With the birth of our first daughter, we decided that I was going to stay home and raise her since we only wanted the best for her. The first eight months were good because we had an easy going baby and although I was sleep deprived at times, I didn’t feel too exhausted.  So since we wanted two kids, we started trying right away thinking it would take a few months but I got pregnant right away! We were so excited but also a little nervous. Having two kids 17 months apart will be hard for the first year, I thought, but it’s going to be great for them to be so close in age.  I just didn’t realize how hard it would actually be.

For 7 months, I was taking care of two girls under two and I was going crazy! With sleep deprivation kicking in deep and both needing me so much, I felt like I was walking on very thin ice. Every night, I had no energy for anyone or anything else. I was supposed to sleep when the babies slept but they didn’t sleep at the same time!! At times when they were both crying for me, I didn’t know what to do and I would just scream with them. The days were long and constantly filled with feedings, diapering, washing, cleaning spit-ups, and more washing and cleaning. Dinner time was nuts around here! I usually had to cook and watch the babies by myself before my husband got home from work. Never mind the fact that I also had to take out the dog and feed him too.

What did I get myself into? Is this what motherhood is all about?  I was TIRED.  I was EXHAUSTED.  I was DONE.  When was there time for me?  When did I have time to do anything that I wanted?  Where did I go?  A lot of times I felt like I was not made to be a mom because I was drowning and spiraling into a black hole.  I sometimes wondered if I had some sort of postpartum depression because I felt so down, so alone, and ashamed of these feelings I was having.  On top of all these feelings, I also felt useless and incapable financially.  I’ve always been career minded and ambitious, and for the first time in my life, not making any money felt horrible.  Apart of me, still seems to be missing.

Now that my youngest baby is 11 months, I can finally see SOME light at the end of the tunnel.  Things are definitely getting easier.  Both kids nap in the afternoon at the same time so I actually have 2 hours to myself and they also sleep through the night.  My two girls are able to play with each other so it makes things a little easier when I’m cooking or doing chores.  After the kids are put to sleep, I get to enjoy my evenings and even go out more with my friends.  I can see that “me” is coming back, slowing but surely.

One advice that I can offer to new mothers is: make time for yourself. It is too important not to give yourself the time and space to regroup, relax, and unwind. Whether you read a book, take a hot bath, or go have a drink with a friend, a mom needs to have a break from the daily grind or you’ll start to lose yourself. I know I should have done more for myself.

I knew that having 2 babies 17 months apart was going to be hard, but never in my dreams did I think it would be this hard.  My youngest is almost one and I’m so happy that I made it through her first year somewhat intact.  At the same time, I’m sad that they are growing into toddlers so fast before my eyes.  Never think for a second that I loved my babies any less during the toughest days because the memorable moments outweigh the bad ones by miles.  Motherhood is tough, but I think the greatest achievements are the toughest to obtain.

 

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Skye Diaz

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